We're in this Together

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-22T09:32:00

2009-12-22T17:32:49Z

How's this for some

Yesterday my girl's preschool calls and says that either Mr. Wonderful or myself need to go and pick up Aunika because she's running a temp of 101.6. So I call Mr. Wonderful and he goes over there. He has them take her temperature at the school and it reads 100.6. The director of the school lets us know that if we get a note from a doctor saying there's nothing going on, we can bring her back. No problem.

So, jumping ahead, we go to the walk in clinic, wait for close to two hours for her to be seen and the doctor informs us that nothing is wrong with her. The only thing she suggested was the possibility of a minor cold. So she writes us a note for the preschool so that Aunika can go back to school the next day (today).

I take off early this morning to get the girls to school before my shift. The second I walk into their classroom, the sub teacher immediately greets me with:

Sub: "She's not supposed to be here. Do you have a note?"
Me: "Yeah, relax. We just walked in."
Sub: "Where is it?"
Me: "In my pocket. Hold on."

So I reach in my pocket, pull out the note and as she looks it over with a critical eye she says:

Sub: "I can't take this."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Sub: "Well what does she have?"
Me: "The doctor said she didn't have anything. She checked her out top to bottom and said if anything, she has a minor cold that she has to fight off naturally."
Sub: "Well I needed a note that said she's not contagious."
Me: "As far as I knew, if I got a note from the doctor stating she could return to school, it would be fine."
Sub: "I'll go call Deb (director)."

[A short while later]

Sub: "I cannot accept this note."
Me: "Why not?"
Sub: "I spoke with Deb and she specifically said that she needs a note saying she's not contagious."
Me: "And how would I get such a note if the doctor states she *isn't* sick?"
Sub: "Well we have a policy that states that if they have a fever above 99 degrees, they cannot return for 24 hours."
Me: "Then why did Deb say that if I got a doctor's note that she could return?"
Sub: "I don't know what to tell you. She can't stay here."

I just don't get it and I'm still upset. Not only did I have to call my job a half an hour before my shift to say I couldn't go in (which looks terrible to an employer) but I also feel as though I wasted my time last night at the walk in clinic. I don't have any problem with their policy, I only have an issue with what I was told yesterday from the director and what I was told today.

If I was told before hand that she couldn't go back no matter what, then I would have never bothered to go back the next morning. And I would have called out for work the previous evening. Now I look like an ass at work and I'm mad as hell at the fucking attitude that the teacher threw at me. She tried to tell me that Kitari could stay but I refused. Those fucks aren't getting paid shit today.

Mr. Wonderful and I will be speaking with the director of the school today after he gets off of work. This is bullshit. And frankly, I don't think it's legal for them to be able to refuse a doctor's note.

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-21T15:59:00

2009-12-21T23:58:55Z

Life has been good, albeit a little stressful.

The new schedule at work has been going decently. I've had the pleasure to learn much more about my residents and their lives. It's completely fascinating to me when I learn about life in the late 20s, early 30s and above. Hearing about all of their experiences gives me a greater sense of appreciation for the things that I have in my life.

It's great that I get to spend extra time to pamper them and give them a shoulder to lean on when they need it. I've grown very close to most of them. I'm working hard with several of them to get them more mobile and independent through physical therapy. It isn't always easy, and they aren't always happy about it, but I see the progress that they're making. Which makes it all worth it at the end of the day.

But holy crapoli my body is sore as hell. Last week one of my residents that has severe neuropathy tried to stand up by themselves and if it weren't for me running over to said resident and using my body as a cushion against their 260 lbs of weight, they would have fallen hard onto the floor.

Unfortunately since then my body hasn't been able to heal. With the constant lifting, pulling, squatting, etc., six days a week, it's been rough. My feet are aching, my hands are raw from constant handwashing and my back/right shoulder are killing me. I've been doubling up on my protein intake in hopes that it'll boost my muscles ability to heal.

Aside from that, there have been mini-dramas circulating around work that have been making my work environment interesting. After hearing several sides/opinions about a multitude of little dramas I took it upon myself two nights ago to E-mail my boss and explain my concerns to her. She stopped by at work today and we sat in the office for a while and discussed my observations and what I have been hearing. I strongly recommended to her that we have a staff meeting to clear up any misconceptions, learn one another's caregiving methods, and get on the same page. I hope it happens soon.

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-16T23:04:00

2009-12-17T07:04:31Z

I was searching online for the origins of the slang "I don't give a rat's ass" and I discovered a nifty website that explains many of the phrases I've heard throughout my lifetime. I have been able to piece together what they meant based on the context of the sentence it was used in, but never knew their origins until now.

It might take me a while to keep all this mindless information in my brain but I figured it was worth sharing with all of you.

Enjoy.

http://www.mindlesscrap.com/origins/more-a.htm#A

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-13T23:25:00

2009-12-14T07:25:32Z

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80615492/

Dog: "Back off biotch!"
Cat: "But...I thought you'd like that..." *sniff sniff*"

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-11T14:48:00

2009-12-11T22:48:46Z

Wow. Apparently I totally suck when it comes to updating when I say I'm going to. To be honest, I haven't even been logging in lately.

School is finally complete! Wooo. (At least for now it is..) Seriously, I couldn't be happier. I'm proud of myself for keeping up my 4.0 g.p.a. I know that some people don't put much stock into numbers because, after all, it is just a number. But for me, it's a damn good feeling. I went through 12 weeks of absolutely craziness by taking 26 credits at the same time. Was it worth it? Absolutely. But I won't ever do it again. Once my Pre-Med classes start in September, I'm only going to be taking 9 credits at a time. What a difference. Should be a piece of cake (knock on wood).

Now that school is complete until next fall, my boss and I worked out a new schedule. I'm working six days a week, Monday through Saturday from 7 am to 1 pm. Only six hours a day so it isn't as though I'm killing myself. So far I like it a lot. I really love working with my residents and when I see them smile, hear their laughter and comfort them, my heart swells. I'm so much happier in this field then I ever was in computer programming.

Mr. Wonderful has been an absolute angel and such a great father to the girls. Every single day he spends time with them. Every night he talks to them individually about their days and how much he loves them. It's awesome. We've been switching who takes them to and from school and so far it's been working out well for the both of us. But I digress. The girls are completely loving him and have been calling him Daddy for about a month or so now. I'm so happy for them that they feel secure with him, loved by him, and have a positive father figure in their lives.

I've got a couple of cardiologist appointments this month. One is an ultrasound/sonogram on my heart w/an EKG and an update of my vitals. The other is a stress/fitness test. Yay! Ok, maybe not so much "Yay" but hey, I only have to get checked out by him once every three years after this so I can't complain much :P Mr. Wonderful and I have been on a new diet for the past three months and it's really made a difference. I was having some issues with my stomach (really weird, not going to explain ATM) but since being on an anti-inflammatory diet, it's helped. Next week we're starting a new exercise regime together for muscle/fitness training. We've spent a whole lot of time and energy into researching exercises, times to exercise, etc. so we feel we're ready now. I can't wait and he's pretty amped too :D

Getting jazzed about the Holiday. The girls are going nuts staring at all their presents. One present we got them is a Fisher-Price kitchenette with a bunch of utensils, tea party set, fake food and so on. They always want to help me in the kitchen with cooking so I figured we'd get them their own lol I think they'll love it but if not, I'm sure they'll find entertainment with the huge box that it's in :P Mr. Wonderful and I both have company Holiday parties coming up soon so that should be nice. I'll get to meet his associates and vice versa. Good times.

Whew! That's really just about it. Ok, not really but there's always so much going on anymore that it would seriously take FOREVER for me to type all of it. Plus, I want to take a small nap before Mr. Wonderful and the girls get home. I hope all of you are doing very well.

Take care ♥

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-03T22:34:00

2009-12-04T06:34:34Z

I brought you all a treat. Mr. Wonderful and I were baking holiday cookies today and I let him make some extra ones out of left over batter. And well....

This was the :

Mr. Wonderful is not allowed to make holiday cookies anymore.

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-02T21:07:00

2009-12-03T05:06:49Z

Because I'm super sad about something that happened earlier today, which I'll update about tomorrow, here's how to make kitty litter cake.

Enjoy.

feuer_engel @ 2009-12-01T20:14:00

2009-12-02T04:14:35Z

So I know that I said I'd update with a big, detailed entry...or maybe not. But still! That was my intention.

Unfortunately, the past five days have been the worst for my health thus far this year. First I got pink eye on the night of Thanksgiving. Then the next day I came down with Tonsillitis. I've been battling the both of them for what seems like forever.

I can't swallow worth a damn, can barely speak above a whisper, can see through one eye, and going anywhere takes a monumental amount of effort...ugh, the list of symptoms goes on and on. At one point I had a fever of 104.1 :(

For the most past, all I've been able to do is lay down, take a shower, and cuddle with the girls along with Mr. Wonderful.

On a more positive note, I had my final exam for nursing and got ninety-eight percent out of a possible hundred percent. Which is good stuff and I'd be more happy about my class if I were able to attend clinicals, which I'm missing out on right now because of this ridiculous illness.

My birthday was fantastic. Mr. Wonderful took me out to Anthony's Hearthfire Grill on the pier. Gorgeous setting. Then we went for a walk to out on the pier that we had our first date on. Even though it was freezing, it was wonderful being out so close to the ocean with his arms wrapped around me, looking at the beautiful night sky with ocean so near to our feet.

I would update more but I'm tired, achy and ready to sleep.

feuer_engel @ 2009-11-26T12:46:00

2009-11-26T20:46:49Z

Hello friends. I apologize for how long it has taken me to come back to the land of Livejournal. I'll give all of you a more detailed update when I get the time to.

I hope that all of you are well and have a merry holiday.

feuer_engel @ 2009-11-07T22:46:00

2009-11-08T06:54:13Z

Feeling stress and a tad overwhelmed at the moment. I've got another Nursing exam on Monday, paperwork/appointments galore for my new job, a whole miasma of crap for my other classes, and an abundance of personal things that I need to prepare for (like presents and my birthday that is coming up). Did I even mention that I got a new job? So, yes. I did. The people there are fabulous and I'm truly looking forward to working with them.

"Today you may feel as if you are caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place with no apparent way out. Still, the current circumstances are not as tough as you might think. There's no doubt about it; this is a test. But it's not about what you can do to make anything better now. It's about how you can transform stress into positive action and improve the quality of your life."

Indeed.And that's exactly my perception of it. Today I was talking to Mr. Wonderful about all things I've got going on in work/school. Here's what he had to say about it:

Me: "I don't know how I'm going to get this all done."
Mr. Wonderful: "I know how."
Me: "Oh?"
Mr. Wonderful: "Yes."
Me: *giggle* "Care to elaborate?"
Mr. Wonderful: "Because you're you."
Me: "Aww, thanks cutie." *smile*
Mr. Wonderful: "It's true. If there's something you want, sweetheart, you go for it with everything you've got. I have no doubt that you'll get everything done."

Did I mention he's awesome? <3

Hope you're all doing fabulous!

feuer_engel @ 2009-11-01T23:57:00

2009-11-02T08:15:34Z

Everything is. just.

I don't have a ton of time but I will touch on the *highlights* of the past week or so.

Starting with the good.

Halloween this year was a blast. The girls, Mr. Wonderful, and I had a fabulous time going out together as a family. It was the best Halloween I've had in years. It felt great to be out in the night air surrounded by family and sharing my favorite holiday another year with my daughters. They had such a great experience. Not to mention with my wonderful boyfriend.

We got three pillow cases full of candy and the girls won a TON of prizes while we were at a neighboor hood bash. Aunika was the Evil Witch from Snow White and Kitari was the Queen of Hearts. They both looked absolutely adorable and had a great time. Mr. Wonderful and I were full blown pirates. All of us got so many compliments about our costumes, it was awesome! Kitari rode a pony, Aunika pet turtles and all of us got stuffed with delicious grub.

Got my grades for mid-quarter last Wednesday. 4.0 GPA! Hell yes! Damn, I'm so pleased with myself! I've been working my ass off staying up into the way, wee wee hours of the night making sure that everything is good. My presentation for lung cancer in Nursing went fabulous and I got 100% on both my presentation and my term paper (which was 8 pages long. Ugh.) I'm so ridiculously happy with my grades. I went for a job interview at a facility in town and that went very well. I'm turning in paperwork to my new boss tomorrow :D

Now for the not-so-good news.

Although my grades have been wonderful and my family life is incredible, my relationships with fellow classmates have not been. I've been getting very tired of always being the group leader in discussions. Being the leader in general, really. Always being the person that people look to for answers. Not that I have *always* minded helping others but I think I've gotten to the point that I'm tired of feeling like the only one who keeps all the strings together and keeps everyone playing nicey with one another.

And what the hell happened to people genuinely asking/caring about how I'm doing? Sure, sure, let's have Chantel be our care bear but when something is wrong with her, let's treat her like shit! Yeah! All that my classmates seem to be doing anymore is bitching and moaning to me about every small little inconvenience in their lives. From grades to spouses to money...ugh! I'm tired of hearing about it. If you don't like something in your life, then do something to change your situation. It isn't just going to happen! Meh.....you know, it wouldn't be so bad if once in a while they cared to ask me how my life is going :/

Then comes the subject of my presentation on lung cancer. First off, it was supposed to be a group effort. (I know that you know where this is going, but bear with me..) S****h and I were partners and we split the entire project 50/50. I was to research and compile information about Symptoms, Complications, develop a Nursing Care Plan, and write the term paper for lung cancer.

She was supposed to research and compile information about Cause, Treatment, Prognosis, and work with me to create the visual aid for our presentation. Needless to say that didn't happen. She handed me 4 loose leaf pieces of paper with shit for information about her side of things, didn't help me at all with the visual aid and then fucking had the nerve to ignore me when she found out she didn't get nearly as good of a grade as I did.

I know that I should let go of her behavior by now, seeing as how last week is over and such, but it's hard for me to. I dislike being ignored by people that I consider to be my friends. Especially over something that isn't my fault. I gave her credit for what she did. What more was I supposed to do? I don't believe in *being cool* about it and giving her credit for things that she didn't do. That isn't my responsibility and if she had wanted it badly enough, she would have tried a helluva lot harder.

Alright then. That's all that's been going on in a nutshell. Glad to hear that for the most part you all had a great Halloween! Until next time :)

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-31T03:06:00

2009-10-31T10:07:19Z



		I will marry Mr. Wonderful.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Washington in our fabulous House.
		We will have 4 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Hunter green Rabbit.
		I will spend my days as a Registered Nurse, and live happily ever after.

Hehe, another random semi-pointless entry that made me smile.

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-31T02:39:00

2009-10-31T09:55:01Z

I thought I had a high enough level of energy to write an entry for the first time in almost two weeks...I guess not. I have been checking through all of your entires (albeit very quickly..) and I hope you're all doing fabulous. Tomorrow I should be more up to par to type about the rather large number of events that have happened. Me needs some sleepies!!

Yes. This crap amuses me greatly in the wee hours :3

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-20T01:25:00

2009-10-20T08:26:38Z

Note to self: When you can play drums like this guy, then you can brag. Until then, playing on hard ain't sh*t.

Much thanks to helpimarock for the linkage.

Ni ni time.

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-15T20:44:00

2009-10-16T03:47:06Z

I would love to comment on all of your updates, I just don't have the time tonight. I have so much homework, it's crazy.

I know that none of you were complaining about me not commenting, but it makes me feel bad that I won't be able to get to all of you. So I'm sorry. I'm just way, way, wayyy too busy and I have another nursing exam next Monday. *headdesk*

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-14T21:17:00

2009-10-15T04:22:33Z

Hey everyone. I don't have enough time to write a "real" entry, so instead I figured I'd show you all pictures of both Mr. Wonderful's desk and Mine.

That's my desk in all it's glory, which I write to all of you from frequently :P

Annnd this is Mr. Wonderful's desk, which is just behind mine.

I hope you all have having a great day :)

Now it's time for me to get back to the mountains of homework that I have yet to finish. (But I'm closer!...I really am!)

Enjoy!

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-11T00:21:00

2009-10-11T07:29:22Z

My hand hurts so bad from writing my notes for nursing. I wrote over sixteen pages front to back covering four very long chapters of the integumentary, cardiovascular and musculoskeletal systems and I'm still less than halfway through what I need to finish reading and absorbing. I also managed to complete Human Dimensions, English Literature, Mathematics and Life Works Skills tonight. Uuugh.

Aside from the mountains of homework I've got piled up, this weekend has been enjoyable for the most part. Spent a lot of time with the girls and Mr. Wonderful amongst friends and family. Tomorrow my partner for my nursing project is coming over for a few hours so that we can have a brainstorming session over our term papers on Lung Cancer that are due a week and a half from now. She's bringing her family and we're planning on having lots of good eating mixed in with some guitar hero. It should be a lot of fun.

That's all for now. I'm about to fall asleep at my desk.

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-08T22:01:00

2009-10-09T05:02:49Z

Humor me and

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-06T21:34:00

2009-10-07T04:36:10Z

Not as crazy of a day as yesterday...well, not in the sense of homework actually making it home because I finished the majority of it during lunch today while stuffing my face with a grilled cheese sandwich on wheat.

Guitar hero and boom-boom room fun, here I come!

Oh yes, and sleep. Yes.

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-06T00:39:00

2009-10-06T07:55:50Z

Wow. That one word could sum up my day today.....could..

More like.....Incredibly busy, exciting, stressful and exhiliarating!

The day started out a tad rough but ended exceedingly well. Got fed another lecture by our professor today about attendence issues, dedication to the nursing program, etc. I'm sort of sick of hearing about it. If these same students keep having such an issue with attending this program and keeping up with the workload, then why keep them here?! Why punish the rest of us? I'm also getting really tired of hearing said classmate's excuses and attempts to bend the rules. Just take responsibility and try your best to do better next time! Everyone has issues and everyone in the class understands, alright? But Jesus-tap-dancing-christ, isn't that enough already? Shit or get off the pot.

Speaking of nursing....I aced my first nursing exam!!
(49/50 score)

Why yes, I am awesome.

I have a couple more items of homework to finish...hence why I'm up so late right now...but I've only got time for my last essay for the night. A gals gotta sleep sometime. So, I'm going to finish that paper real quick (I hope) and then have a nice meeting with Mr. Sandman followed by annoying Mr. Alarm at six.

A Peek at my "To do" list from today:

Spend time with my Girls
Spend time with Grandpa D
Spend time with Mr. Wonderful
Get/Fill out change forms @ DSHS
Pay parking ticket
Pass nursing exam
Turn in all homework
Call family and offer condolences
Set up new phone w/Verizon
Send all photos from old phone to online album
Upload photos to MySpace
Upper body weight training
Nursing Club @ 12
Finish 5 English Assignments
Finish Human Dimensions Homework
Meet with Sarah @8 for Lung Cancer study group
Finish lessons 15-20 for Keyboarding
Get to class on time
Breathe

Bleh. G'nighty everyone. Hope you all had a great day :)

feuer_engel @ 2009-10-02T01:20:00

2009-10-02T08:24:35Z

I can't brain today, I have the fucking dumb. 2nd week of nursing school is coming to a close! It's going great...no really, for taking 26 credits in one quarter and pulling off a 4.0 so far....yeah, it's going fuckin' fantastic....but I am soo happy it's almost the weekend. I've been able to keep up on my god awful amounts of homework and I'm looking forward to my clinicals at the end of next month....did I mention I'm tired? Nursing lecture followed by chemistry and biology tomorrow. Yay.

The girls are doing wonderfully. They're excelling in their preschool and are the smartest, bestest, most awesome children a mommy could ever have. Seriously folks, my kids rock. Oh, oh oh. And last weekend Mr. Wonderful and I finished our move! Yay! I'm not quite sure how I'm able to pull everything off right now but everything is going great, everyone is happy and healthy. Now if only I would learn to go to bed after writing three essays and not screw around on livejournal.... ;)

feuer_engel @ 2009-09-30T01:05:00

2009-09-30T08:07:08Z

People everywhere love to talk about rights. Specifically, their individual rights. Right to freedom of speech, right to education, right to peace and prosperity, etcetera. These are all noble and I fully support these ideals. However, it would be unfair for us to speak about rights without taking into consideration our responsibility to those rights.

It was once said that “There are no rights without responsibility, and there is no responsibility without rights.” I couldn’t agree more. Rights and taking responsibility to those rights come hand in hand, applying those responsibilities regularly is essential to honoring our rights and we should take the time to appreciate how privileged we are to have human rights.

My interpretation of the saying, “There are no rights without responsibility, and there is no responsibility without rights.” is that privileges, or rights, cannot come without
obligations to those rights; a sense of responsibility. Take, for instance, the right to freedom of speech that each and every person in the United States of America has. It is important for us to fulfill this right responsibly without abusing our privilege to speak freely. Rights and taking responsibility to those rights come hand in hand.
When we regularly handle our rights responsibly, we are afforded the privilege of being able to continue to use that right. It would not be advantageous to trample over our rights selfishly for self-fulfillment because in the end, we’d only be hurting ourselves by proving to others that we cannot handle the rights that have been afforded to us. On the other side of the token, when we honor the privileges we have, we are showing others that we are responsible and appreciative. This, in most cases, opens up more privileges for us to enjoy.

Making an effort to appreciate how privileged we are to have human rights is very wise. Gratitude is under-rated and under-utilized. Generally speaking, most people focus on the things they want to achieve in life, the things they have not achieved and the things we do not have. It is all well and good to have goals and work towards them, but it is critically important to your happiness to take time to appreciate the things you do have and have already accomplished. Focusing what you are grateful for, such as the freedom of speech, reminds you of your priorities and what is important to you.

By choosing to take responsibility for your rights, honoring our rights by applying those responsibilities regularly and taking the time to be appreciate of how privileged we are to have human rights, we will all be doing ourselves and those around us a favor by being mature adults. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Rights that do not flow from duty well preformed are not worth having.”

feuer_engel @ 2009-09-17T21:13:00

2009-09-18T05:17:43Z

Part of my job as a clinical assistant is to consult patients after their visit by giving them information about procedure(s), laboratory tests, referrals, community services, etc. So a young woman in her early twenties comes strolling into the clinic today and I can feel vaginal irresponsibility oozing out of her like a bad case of Gonorrhea. She's snippy towards the front desk and lays on a hefty layer of the tremendously popular, "my-shit-don't stink", attitude.

So Miss Thang comes out of exam room No. 1 and, like so many others, her "my-shit-don't-stink" attitude has evaporated. She's directed to wait in the lobby until she's called back for her consultation and I watch her walk sullenly back. The head nurse pulls me aside and hands me Miss Thang's chart while briefing me on her situation. 22 years old, single, pregnant with multiples. Ok, nothing too out of the ordinary there, simply follow protocol and listen to the patient.

Before calling the patient back into the counseling room, I leaf through her chart and my eyes damn near bulge out of my sockets. This is her 8th pregnancy. She has 1 living child, has had 7 abortions. I continue leafing and also discover that Miss Thang is positive for HIV. I exhale slowly and call her back into the counseling room. She sits down calmly, her back straight but her head slightly bowed to the ground.

"So how are you feeling right now?" I ask her gently.
"Like I don't know what to do anymore." She responds quietly.

I take this into account, nod my head, and wait patiently for her to continue. After a few moments she looks up from her reverie into my eyes and asks me with an exasperated sigh;

"Do you think I should have these kids?"

For a moment, I'm dumbfounded. What I truly want to say to this young woman is something like this;

"No. I don't believe that you should have these children. Or any children until you don't have to ask someone if you should. I believe that you should look into Mirena or Paragard as contraception. I believe that every man that has intercourse with you from now on must wear a condom. I believe you're slowly damaging your body and if you keep having abortions at the rate you are, you just might become sterile. Which would be a shame if you actually wanted more children in the future and found out that because of your choices you couldn't."

All of these thoughts take about ten seconds to circulate through my mind. I straighten up in my seat and, instead of saying my personal opinion, ask her a series of questions.

Me: "Do you want to have these children?"
Miss Thang: "I do...but..."
Me: "Yes?"
Miss Thang: " I just don't think I should. I don't have the money, the time or anything else for a kid. I have fucking HIV for fucks sake. I wouldn't have anything to give them except a death sentence."
Me: "Ok. I'd be glad to give you information on community resources for low income families. I am also happy to answer any other questions you may have about adoption and abortion services in our community, if either of those options interest you." I pause for a moment and then add, "_____, this is entirely your decision. Don't feel pressured by anyone else to choose what to do about your pregnancy. It's your body, your choice."

After a few more moments of silence, I stand up and gather three different brochures. One on community resources, one on adoption services and the third on abortion services. I fan them out in the middle of the small round table and sit back down. I notice that her eyes keep bouncing between the adoption brochure and the abortion brochure. I sit patiently as she's weighing her options. Suddenly she scoops up all three brochures and stands up to leave. I stand up from my seat and give her a polite smile.

Miss Thang: "Thank you for not pushing me to make a decision."
Me: "Your welcome. I hope that whatever you decide is the right choice for yourself and your unborn." She offers a weak smile then continues to the front desk for a follow up.

Her visit was almost over a week ago. I was so affected by it that I thought long and hard about the age old question of "Should I have kids?". So here's my theory:

A lot of women have children because it's the kind of life they want, because it's a good plan, even without feeling 'maternal instinct', whatever that may be to them. Some do it because there's a contraceptive accident. Some because they feel a strong pull to parenthood. Some because a parent dies and they suddenly find a strong desire to carry on the family. Some do it in hopes to re-kindle a dying relationship. Some for a host of other reasons. Almost all the reasons people have children are o.k. ones.

Almost anyone of goodwill can become a good and loving parent. Sometimes when thinking about the choice, we set up unrealistic expectations for ourselves - looking at those patient, perfect parents in the park and thinking, "I would never do that, that's not me" - when in fact, that family could very well go home and have the biggest, messiest, nastiest meltdown you ever saw, with red-faced screaming and some cereal-throwing and the Mommy saying "I can't do this. You deal with it." and slamming the bathroom door and hiding out for a while. Really; it happens in the best of families.

Human beings are imperfect and inconsistent. Some days we do really well, other days the seams show. I don't know any mothers, or fathers, who are consistently patient and content in their family life or in their role as parents, 24/7, day in day out, with no feelings of sacrifice. (Myself included.) I think suggesting that someone should feel that way is setting the bar for "Should I be a parent?" much too high.

If you think about being a parent, then assume you're going to fuck up. You will. Assume you're going to make mistakes. You will. Assume some days you'll be at your worst. You will. Assume you may at some times say to yourself "This is destroying my life and career." You will. Assume you're not always going to be thanking your lucky stars for the precious cherub you were sent. Not every moment, you won't. A kid isn't an object, an activity or an interest. A kid is a relationship. A kid is the most complex, in-depth, demanding, potentially rewarding and potentially infuriating relationship you'll ever have.

I think we might encourage people to be too cautious about parenting, as if you can't do it well if you have imperfections. I know very few people born to perfect parents. Oh wait, I know none. And yet, a lot of people turned out wonderfully and it's really nice they exist.

So what I'm saying is not definitely be a parent or definitely don't, but don't set too much stock in people who suggest you'd know 100% if you wanted children without doing some research about it first. I don't think that's true. You're approaching this as the decision that it is, and you get to make the decision intentionally, with your mind, which is awesome. It hasn't been made for you by default or circumstance; you're not rushing, you're not romanticizing, and you're not riding a hormone wave. You get to think about it- and the things you're thinking about are totally worth thinking about.

The fact that you are thinking rather than yearning or pining empathetically doesn't mean you'd be a poor parent. But you'll have to use the same rational process to determine whether you'd be a good parent, too. If you thought being married, or in a serious relationship, was stretching your sanity, having kids puts it to shame. Like with marriage, having kids doesn't leave you where you are. It's going to make you a lot better or a lot worse but the one thing it isn't going to do is nothing.

feuer_engel @ 2009-09-15T20:21:00

2009-09-16T03:35:40Z

Hey. I know I mentioned that I'd update you a while back about what's been going on for the past 3 weeks, give or take. Time has gotten away from me it seems. It hardly feels as though it were that long ago that I was sitting here typing my last entry...if you could call it that...eh heh. So what's new? Well, interesting changes.

I took an entirely new career path. Call it a (not-so) mid-life crisis. I was in the midst of completing my most recent website for a client of mine when it just hit me. Why exactly was I in the information technology field? Sure, I love computers and I do enjoy web development. A whole lot. But as I sat at my chair, being a prime example of a code monkey, I realized that I wasn't feeling the same amount of fulfillment as I used to.

So I took a chance, walked toward the edge of the medical field, and jumped feet first into a turbulent whirlpool. A new beast entirely. My graduation from the CNA course is in January and I couldn't be happier. I'm interning with a well-known establishment that has a controversial role in healthcare..depending, of course, on what side of the political spectrum you so happen to sit on.

Mr. Wonderful, my lovely daughters and I are all doing fabulous. Each day is full of golden brilliance. I love him to bits. The girls love him to bits. He loves us to bits. There's nothing else to say about it. This is love. Raw, frayed and absolutely perfect. We've moving in together on the first of October.

♥

feuer_engel @ 2009-07-15T22:48:00

2009-07-16T05:55:26Z

Pure Awesome-ness.

And here I was thinking I was good at playing expert level with the guitar. Sheesh. Anywho, figured I would share that with all of yous. As you can see, not too terribly much has been going on if I have time to watch brain-smooshing-goodness as this. That's right. I said smooshing. But ah....yeah, college is going great, The Girls and Mr. Wonderful are doing fantastic and I'm going to be moving into a three bedroom home once everything pans out. Yay!

<3

Ps. Oh! I forgot to add that I finally got Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines again. I am so happy about th- ahem. Sorry about that.

Pss.

Thank you.